"Being a Caretaker" with Coach April

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Welcome everyone is another episode of

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And each season we work to give you one episode on a personal note.

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And so I want to walk you through a couple of things by the way.

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Welcome.

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My name is the founder of one light ahead, and I get to be a strategic coach.

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I get to inform and educate and celebrate and empower all kinds of fun stuff.

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And I chose to do this particular podcast for a multitude of reasons yet.

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I want to tell you the journey and how this podcast got formed and some

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can get some clarity into why it's so important for myself and our guests

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So let me give you the history first.

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Some of you are all of us, or however you want to perceive it.

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I have gone through a season of COVID and pandemic and all the other aspects that

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Through the journey we all had our coping mechanisms and one of my coping mechanisms

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And for those of you that are familiar with NCIS, Gibbs, Mark Harmon, uh, Did an

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this particular one particular season, his love interest, uh, and him were having a

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And he ended up buying a, uh, portrait of an elephant and put it on her wall.

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And it just resonated with me because I had my own elephants.

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I've been working on all kinds of elephants over the years.

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And one particular one was really, uh, extremely evident

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And ironically, when somebody asked me to do a presentation for a chamber, they asked

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me to speak on whatever I wanted and I chose addressing the elephant in the room.

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And then I ended up creating the podcast.

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And through that journey, not only have I been addressing elephants on

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others determine what their elephant is, what they want to address and how they

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And so that's how addressing the elephant in the room.

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Podcasts got started and we're excited to be a vessel, a platform, and a

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our show that we interview and prepare and make sure it's aligned with our

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So with that, uh, I want to share with you on a personal note, uh, my own, one

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of my own elephants has been one that I've been spending years addressing.

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And again, I didn't get to be a professional that helps others uncover where they are,

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are in the way, how they get purposeful about what they say matters, in verifying

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Because sometimes we have stories that we bought into that aren't

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take some time, allow somebody in our life to ask us tough questions

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And one of the through this journey, uh, I've surrounded myself over the years

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with some amazing people that are wise and know how to ask the right questions.

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And one particular question, uh, has come up recently about how did I become a caretaker?

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And for those of you that are caretakers, I don't need to give you the definition of it.

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And yet, uh, there's many of us.

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And at some point in time, we decided that it was our responsibility to be

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a caretaker for an immense amount of people or a certain amount of people.

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However, that is for you.

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When you fall into that caretaker role, you sometimes put yourself as

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And I sadly have gone through that for many of years.

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And recently, as I've been working through discovering some key insights

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for myself, for writing, for all kinds of different things that I'm doing.

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A vision came up and helped me clarify how to address that elephant.

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What made me a caretaker and that is our elephant for the day, by the

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way, what makes the caretaker and how do you discuss being a caretaker?

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How do you share that with your family, with your friends, with your colleagues

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a caretaker and or knowing how to put them inappropriate boundaries.

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And so, first of all, I want to share with you how I discovered I was a caretaker.

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Through the years and the most recent discovery.

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Uh, and there's so many pieces of that puzzle.

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I tell people all the time, I've got more stories that are going to go into one book.

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Uh, yeah.

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It's uh, I only share stories when it's relevant to the subject matter.

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What is it?

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A tool to help people move forward.

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So I'm going to share a specific story for me personally, and my family members.

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So that it'll help you see kind of where this elephant started for me.

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And, uh, ironically, I have a twin brother, many people don't know that it's still

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a couple other brothers as well, very thankful for it, yet uh, my twin and I

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raised with an immense amount of family around one particular was our grandmother.

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And when our grandfather died, she got very angry.

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Um, and through the seasons, uh, one, one particular moment.

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I remember she literally attacked my brother and, uh, there was, uh, I mean, I

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I remember this just different pieces of things happening.

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Well, that started a journey of.

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Hours of beatings.

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I mean, just days and days and hours.

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And it could have been years, uh, and there was a, a denial that happened

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So there was a huge, huge elephant happening, and he was just the

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powerful antagonizer that he still is today, ironically.

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And yet, he wonders why, but anyways, um, and the gift of that is that in his mind,

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And so I.

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Had this table that my grandpa made and it would be set up.

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And so I'd have blankets and tents.

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And I had a whole bookshelf that he had, he had made for me

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And I just get lost in those books almost like I was hiding.

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And I recognized even my son would notice when I'd hide in pictures.

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I had a natural hide.

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Process, because that was what I had grown up with.

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So ironically, as I've been discovering this process, I recognize that I had become the

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caretaker when I wasn't needing to hide so that I made up from when I needed to hide.

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And it's a long story and it's a whole process to dive into,

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and I wanted to share that story with you because I'm sure

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Sadly, and we live, uh, and you know, as I learn how to see all different

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my mom's, to my sons, to my brothers, to just my daughter, I mean, there's just

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so many different perspectives and so many different ways we take in history.

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And part of, one of the books that I'm building is the awareness of

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And that elephant, just even communicating about it is a process and, and, and

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an opportunity to share with people that, you know, that wasn't okay.

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And yet it made us who we are good, bad, and indifferent.

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And it caused me to domino multitude of caretaking opportunities and realize

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And that caretaking needs to have boundaries.

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There's a difference of empowering or enabling.

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There's a difference of stepping in and doing, or, uh, the concept of teaching

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And the concept is that in any relationship, as we go into addressing the elephant as

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people that are going to ask you tough questions and allow your mind to start

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processing it, allow your mind to decide whether or not these thoughts are accurate.

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And I have all kinds of tools for that as well.

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Yeah.

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You know, as you're in the midst of it, or you're in the midst of a

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situation, sometimes that file folder won't open in the midst of a situation.

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You have to remove yourself from it.

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So you can see all the different aspects of what happened, how it happened, et cetera.

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So you can know how to process moving forward and what boundaries are set

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have all kinds of things to say and share and give you some insight into.

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So we'll dive into the next phase of that is the concept of, okay, now

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and an elephant, your, your your know is taking a huge amount of space.

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And the challenge is so many times you want to just attack the whole elephant at once.

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And that's unrealistic.

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Uh, It's a one-bite-at-a- time.

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And I love that phrase.

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The first time I heard it, years and years ago, it just resonated with me and

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chained to and how to remove those chains, its also a part of the process.

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So to dive into that particular experience, just even having the conversation about

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The first step of recognizing.

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That's where it started among it's called trauma.

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And there was other trauma items that happen in our home.

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Uh, there were lots of things that dominoed over the years that caused one domino,

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and just the bigger the elephant got the bigger the challenge became.

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And that's what a lot of people don't realize is that if you don't address

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an elephant, when its a small elephant, it becomes a really large elephant.

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And years and years in the making.

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And so after, you know, quite a few years and a really big elephant, and that's

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so many different subjects that have that type of elephant presence and child abuse

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of those things are real elephants that cause caretakers that cause, uh, they

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So they go into caretaker mode and, uh, that.

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Gives them some type of sense of security, which is a false sense of security.

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So as you step into a new relationship, any type of friendship, any type of

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um, any type of family relationship, your opportunity to start recognizing

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There's books, there's doctors, there's counselors, there's coaches.

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Now remember there's a difference between coaching and counseling.

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And I won't go into that definition.

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I choose and remind people all the time.

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I'm not a counselor.

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I choose to be a coach about moving people forward, discovering where

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how we're going to take, discover the millimeters and the steps in the yards.

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If you will, to get there, the opportunity is to recognize.

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That I, I moved into the awareness feature and I moved into the opportunity to

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who and what, and how they fit into my story and whether or not that story

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is appropriate and whether or not that story is fitting to move forward.

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So literally every relationship is through a process and a filter

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Being spoke about and communicating how I get to communicate with each and every

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supporting the caretaker, uh, release and, you know, making sure, as I said in

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another QA recently, uh, The chain that was on that elephant is no longer there.

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And it's an eye-opener when you can communicate about something and you no

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you are able to look at it and see it and say, okay, how do I share this?

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How do I be purposeful about making sure it no longer can be chained to me?

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How do I make sure that it is something that I'm conscious of a

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And yet I don't repeat the same pattern.

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And I'm sure all of you are just contemplating.

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What does this mean to me and how does it mean to me?

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Make sure you surround yourself with people that can ask you those questions.

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And if something is resonate with you, get the help, get the support because the

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because this is not an easy thing to take on after years and years of lots of

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Crazy ways of making mistakes through this process.

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And I could go on for days on that, uh, you also recognize how important

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say, you know, this is not the life path that I want to keep taking.

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I'm going to remove that chain.

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I'm going to keep that chain off and I'm going to communicate about it and

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going to honor that that's just the one little step you can do today to be

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because when you take the time to communicate and communication is such

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there's so many different levels of communication, there's a difference of

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sure you share it yet, how somebody hears it, how somebody understands it, how

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gives it back to you, what behavior they give you when you share something and

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how they choose to, uh, dig in and show you that they value your perspective.

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And as well as you value their perspective, it's, uh, it's uh, what I have learned at

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the value exchange in any relationship is so ridiculously a whole nother elephant almost.

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Uh, and when you're addressing an elephant, such as being a caretaker, The

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many, uh, including myself that removing it and recognizing that it's gone and

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Is it daily, daily hour by hour, moment by moment process to be purposeful about

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recognizing the value, your worthiness, your opportunity to make yourself a priority.

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Keep serving, keep using your gifting, keep loving on others with appropriate

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with appropriate understanding of where you stand in your life and how,

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with and how you want to be purposeful about what truly matters to you.

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Because you're doing that out of a heart for not survival, not protection so much.

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Not that that doesn't need to be absolutely there.

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Yet, you also need to recognize how true what each story is and

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And I get to help people do that every day.

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And I surround myself with people that help me do that every day.

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And I just want to wrap up today wanting to make this a very effective, yet efficient,

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is to remind you just like myself, that perception is such a unique reality.

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And not all our perceptions are accurate.

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Not all our stories are accurate.

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Now all our elephants are accurate.

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Uh, even when we say, you know, okay, I'm going to take on this caretaker role.

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It is a benefit in some ways, depending on what perception I take on to be a caretaker.

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Uh, am I remember working for a construction company and I became the

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And.

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In many ways, there was some healthy parts of that.

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I owned my role.

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I owned my ability to serve.

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I had a huge amount of success.

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I built the first manual that company ever had.

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And yet I also, um, had a moment when I recognized that even going to use the

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restroom was a challenge because I was so relied on and I had got chained to a desk.

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And so it was another physical.

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Reminder of how that caretaker was holding me hostage instead of

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So knowing when to allow the boundaries and when to remove boundaries and, or

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So as we wrap up the, by the way, you can check out onelightahead.com.

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On there end or our partner resources, the habit finder assessment is completely free.

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It helps us start seeing some thought patterns.

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And we always know they're attached to stories yet.

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Sometimes we're not completely ready to tell the story, or we need a process

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in which to start peeling back the layers of the ending of that story.

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And so I get to help people discover that.

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And I've surrounded myself with people that helped me discover that.

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And so I would just advise you, I would encourage you.

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I would empower you to, especially for all the caretakers listening, uh, is not an

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choice to decide, to say enough and say, this is no longer the path I want to take.

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Not the way I want to take it.

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I want to continue to be the resource, the vessel, the tool that

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And I want to do it in a way that is coming from empowerment and

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Thank you for joining us.

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And again, coachapril@onelightahead.com.

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If you have any questions, any caretakers want to resonate and share, uh, or

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it and sees it happen to somebody and doesn't know how to help them.

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Uh, there's so many different tools and resources.

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We have an opportunity as we start addressing even more elephants as we move

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find the resources, the people, and one bite at a time to keep moving forward, because

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we have a limited amount of time and we have a limited amount of resources and.

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An opportunity to get purposeful about it.

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So we appreciate your listening.

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We appreciate the opportunity to serve and to be a voice as well as a vessel.

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And thank you for allowing me personally, to share my own one of my many stories,

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uh, to help you see why it's so important for us to share this podcast.

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Have an amazing day, everyone.