Episode 10
"Being a Caretaker" with Coach April
I've been working on addressing all kinds of elephants over the years, and ironically someone asked me "how did I become a caretaker?" so I am going to Address the ELEPHANT of "Being a Caretaker"
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Addressing the ELEPHANT in the Room® is a ONE LIGHT AHEAD production made in association with Eric Ballestero.
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Host: Coach April Ballestero
Guest: N/A
Produced by: Eric Ballestero
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Transcript
Welcome everyone is another episode of
Coach April Ballestero:And each season we work to give you one episode on a personal note.
Coach April Ballestero:And so I want to walk you through a couple of things by the way.
Coach April Ballestero:Welcome.
Coach April Ballestero:My name is the founder of one light ahead, and I get to be a strategic coach.
Coach April Ballestero:I get to inform and educate and celebrate and empower all kinds of fun stuff.
Coach April Ballestero:And I chose to do this particular podcast for a multitude of reasons yet.
Coach April Ballestero:I want to tell you the journey and how this podcast got formed and some
Coach April Ballestero:can get some clarity into why it's so important for myself and our guests
Coach April Ballestero:So let me give you the history first.
Coach April Ballestero:Some of you are all of us, or however you want to perceive it.
Coach April Ballestero:I have gone through a season of COVID and pandemic and all the other aspects that
Coach April Ballestero:Through the journey we all had our coping mechanisms and one of my coping mechanisms
Coach April Ballestero:And for those of you that are familiar with NCIS, Gibbs, Mark Harmon, uh, Did an
Coach April Ballestero:this particular one particular season, his love interest, uh, and him were having a
Coach April Ballestero:And he ended up buying a, uh, portrait of an elephant and put it on her wall.
Coach April Ballestero:And it just resonated with me because I had my own elephants.
Coach April Ballestero:I've been working on all kinds of elephants over the years.
Coach April Ballestero:And one particular one was really, uh, extremely evident
Coach April Ballestero:And ironically, when somebody asked me to do a presentation for a chamber, they asked
Coach April Ballestero:me to speak on whatever I wanted and I chose addressing the elephant in the room.
Coach April Ballestero:And then I ended up creating the podcast.
Coach April Ballestero:And through that journey, not only have I been addressing elephants on
Coach April Ballestero:others determine what their elephant is, what they want to address and how they
Coach April Ballestero:And so that's how addressing the elephant in the room.
Coach April Ballestero:Podcasts got started and we're excited to be a vessel, a platform, and a
Coach April Ballestero:our show that we interview and prepare and make sure it's aligned with our
Coach April Ballestero:So with that, uh, I want to share with you on a personal note, uh, my own, one
Coach April Ballestero:of my own elephants has been one that I've been spending years addressing.
Coach April Ballestero:And again, I didn't get to be a professional that helps others uncover where they are,
Coach April Ballestero:are in the way, how they get purposeful about what they say matters, in verifying
Coach April Ballestero:Because sometimes we have stories that we bought into that aren't
Coach April Ballestero:take some time, allow somebody in our life to ask us tough questions
Coach April Ballestero:And one of the through this journey, uh, I've surrounded myself over the years
Coach April Ballestero:with some amazing people that are wise and know how to ask the right questions.
Coach April Ballestero:And one particular question, uh, has come up recently about how did I become a caretaker?
Coach April Ballestero:And for those of you that are caretakers, I don't need to give you the definition of it.
Coach April Ballestero:And yet, uh, there's many of us.
Coach April Ballestero:And at some point in time, we decided that it was our responsibility to be
Coach April Ballestero:a caretaker for an immense amount of people or a certain amount of people.
Coach April Ballestero:However, that is for you.
Coach April Ballestero:When you fall into that caretaker role, you sometimes put yourself as
Coach April Ballestero:And I sadly have gone through that for many of years.
Coach April Ballestero:And recently, as I've been working through discovering some key insights
Coach April Ballestero:for myself, for writing, for all kinds of different things that I'm doing.
Coach April Ballestero:A vision came up and helped me clarify how to address that elephant.
Coach April Ballestero:What made me a caretaker and that is our elephant for the day, by the
Coach April Ballestero:way, what makes the caretaker and how do you discuss being a caretaker?
Coach April Ballestero:How do you share that with your family, with your friends, with your colleagues
Coach April Ballestero:a caretaker and or knowing how to put them inappropriate boundaries.
Coach April Ballestero:And so, first of all, I want to share with you how I discovered I was a caretaker.
Coach April Ballestero:Through the years and the most recent discovery.
Coach April Ballestero:Uh, and there's so many pieces of that puzzle.
Coach April Ballestero:I tell people all the time, I've got more stories that are going to go into one book.
Coach April Ballestero:Uh, yeah.
Coach April Ballestero:It's uh, I only share stories when it's relevant to the subject matter.
Coach April Ballestero:What is it?
Coach April Ballestero:A tool to help people move forward.
Coach April Ballestero:So I'm going to share a specific story for me personally, and my family members.
Coach April Ballestero:So that it'll help you see kind of where this elephant started for me.
Coach April Ballestero:And, uh, ironically, I have a twin brother, many people don't know that it's still
Coach April Ballestero:a couple other brothers as well, very thankful for it, yet uh, my twin and I
Coach April Ballestero:raised with an immense amount of family around one particular was our grandmother.
Coach April Ballestero:And when our grandfather died, she got very angry.
Coach April Ballestero:Um, and through the seasons, uh, one, one particular moment.
Coach April Ballestero:I remember she literally attacked my brother and, uh, there was, uh, I mean, I
Coach April Ballestero:I remember this just different pieces of things happening.
Coach April Ballestero:Well, that started a journey of.
Coach April Ballestero:Hours of beatings.
Coach April Ballestero:I mean, just days and days and hours.
Coach April Ballestero:And it could have been years, uh, and there was a, a denial that happened
Coach April Ballestero:So there was a huge, huge elephant happening, and he was just the
Coach April Ballestero:powerful antagonizer that he still is today, ironically.
Coach April Ballestero:And yet, he wonders why, but anyways, um, and the gift of that is that in his mind,
Coach April Ballestero:And so I.
Coach April Ballestero:Had this table that my grandpa made and it would be set up.
Coach April Ballestero:And so I'd have blankets and tents.
Coach April Ballestero:And I had a whole bookshelf that he had, he had made for me
Coach April Ballestero:And I just get lost in those books almost like I was hiding.
Coach April Ballestero:And I recognized even my son would notice when I'd hide in pictures.
Coach April Ballestero:I had a natural hide.
Coach April Ballestero:Process, because that was what I had grown up with.
Coach April Ballestero:So ironically, as I've been discovering this process, I recognize that I had become the
Coach April Ballestero:caretaker when I wasn't needing to hide so that I made up from when I needed to hide.
Coach April Ballestero:And it's a long story and it's a whole process to dive into,
Coach April Ballestero:and I wanted to share that story with you because I'm sure
Coach April Ballestero:Sadly, and we live, uh, and you know, as I learn how to see all different
Coach April Ballestero:my mom's, to my sons, to my brothers, to just my daughter, I mean, there's just
Coach April Ballestero:so many different perspectives and so many different ways we take in history.
Coach April Ballestero:And part of, one of the books that I'm building is the awareness of
Coach April Ballestero:And that elephant, just even communicating about it is a process and, and, and
Coach April Ballestero:an opportunity to share with people that, you know, that wasn't okay.
Coach April Ballestero:And yet it made us who we are good, bad, and indifferent.
Coach April Ballestero:And it caused me to domino multitude of caretaking opportunities and realize
Coach April Ballestero:And that caretaking needs to have boundaries.
Coach April Ballestero:There's a difference of empowering or enabling.
Coach April Ballestero:There's a difference of stepping in and doing, or, uh, the concept of teaching
Coach April Ballestero:And the concept is that in any relationship, as we go into addressing the elephant as
Coach April Ballestero:people that are going to ask you tough questions and allow your mind to start
Coach April Ballestero:processing it, allow your mind to decide whether or not these thoughts are accurate.
Coach April Ballestero:And I have all kinds of tools for that as well.
Coach April Ballestero:Yeah.
Coach April Ballestero:You know, as you're in the midst of it, or you're in the midst of a
Coach April Ballestero:situation, sometimes that file folder won't open in the midst of a situation.
Coach April Ballestero:You have to remove yourself from it.
Coach April Ballestero:So you can see all the different aspects of what happened, how it happened, et cetera.
Coach April Ballestero:So you can know how to process moving forward and what boundaries are set
Coach April Ballestero:have all kinds of things to say and share and give you some insight into.
Coach April Ballestero:So we'll dive into the next phase of that is the concept of, okay, now
Coach April Ballestero:and an elephant, your, your your know is taking a huge amount of space.
Coach April Ballestero:And the challenge is so many times you want to just attack the whole elephant at once.
Coach April Ballestero:And that's unrealistic.
Coach April Ballestero:Uh, It's a one-bite-at-a- time.
Coach April Ballestero:And I love that phrase.
Coach April Ballestero:The first time I heard it, years and years ago, it just resonated with me and
Coach April Ballestero:chained to and how to remove those chains, its also a part of the process.
Coach April Ballestero:So to dive into that particular experience, just even having the conversation about
Coach April Ballestero:The first step of recognizing.
Coach April Ballestero:That's where it started among it's called trauma.
Coach April Ballestero:And there was other trauma items that happen in our home.
Coach April Ballestero:Uh, there were lots of things that dominoed over the years that caused one domino,
Coach April Ballestero:and just the bigger the elephant got the bigger the challenge became.
Coach April Ballestero:And that's what a lot of people don't realize is that if you don't address
Coach April Ballestero:an elephant, when its a small elephant, it becomes a really large elephant.
Coach April Ballestero:And years and years in the making.
Coach April Ballestero:And so after, you know, quite a few years and a really big elephant, and that's
Coach April Ballestero:so many different subjects that have that type of elephant presence and child abuse
Coach April Ballestero:of those things are real elephants that cause caretakers that cause, uh, they
Coach April Ballestero:So they go into caretaker mode and, uh, that.
Coach April Ballestero:Gives them some type of sense of security, which is a false sense of security.
Coach April Ballestero:So as you step into a new relationship, any type of friendship, any type of
Coach April Ballestero:um, any type of family relationship, your opportunity to start recognizing
Coach April Ballestero:There's books, there's doctors, there's counselors, there's coaches.
Coach April Ballestero:Now remember there's a difference between coaching and counseling.
Coach April Ballestero:And I won't go into that definition.
Coach April Ballestero:I choose and remind people all the time.
Coach April Ballestero:I'm not a counselor.
Coach April Ballestero:I choose to be a coach about moving people forward, discovering where
Coach April Ballestero:how we're going to take, discover the millimeters and the steps in the yards.
Coach April Ballestero:If you will, to get there, the opportunity is to recognize.
Coach April Ballestero:That I, I moved into the awareness feature and I moved into the opportunity to
Coach April Ballestero:who and what, and how they fit into my story and whether or not that story
Coach April Ballestero:is appropriate and whether or not that story is fitting to move forward.
Coach April Ballestero:So literally every relationship is through a process and a filter
Coach April Ballestero:Being spoke about and communicating how I get to communicate with each and every
Coach April Ballestero:supporting the caretaker, uh, release and, you know, making sure, as I said in
Coach April Ballestero:another QA recently, uh, The chain that was on that elephant is no longer there.
Coach April Ballestero:And it's an eye-opener when you can communicate about something and you no
Coach April Ballestero:you are able to look at it and see it and say, okay, how do I share this?
Coach April Ballestero:How do I be purposeful about making sure it no longer can be chained to me?
Coach April Ballestero:How do I make sure that it is something that I'm conscious of a
Coach April Ballestero:And yet I don't repeat the same pattern.
Coach April Ballestero:And I'm sure all of you are just contemplating.
Coach April Ballestero:What does this mean to me and how does it mean to me?
Coach April Ballestero:Make sure you surround yourself with people that can ask you those questions.
Coach April Ballestero:And if something is resonate with you, get the help, get the support because the
Coach April Ballestero:because this is not an easy thing to take on after years and years of lots of
Coach April Ballestero:Crazy ways of making mistakes through this process.
Coach April Ballestero:And I could go on for days on that, uh, you also recognize how important
Coach April Ballestero:say, you know, this is not the life path that I want to keep taking.
Coach April Ballestero:I'm going to remove that chain.
Coach April Ballestero:I'm going to keep that chain off and I'm going to communicate about it and
Coach April Ballestero:going to honor that that's just the one little step you can do today to be
Coach April Ballestero:because when you take the time to communicate and communication is such
Coach April Ballestero:there's so many different levels of communication, there's a difference of
Coach April Ballestero:sure you share it yet, how somebody hears it, how somebody understands it, how
Coach April Ballestero:gives it back to you, what behavior they give you when you share something and
Coach April Ballestero:how they choose to, uh, dig in and show you that they value your perspective.
Coach April Ballestero:And as well as you value their perspective, it's, uh, it's uh, what I have learned at
Coach April Ballestero:the value exchange in any relationship is so ridiculously a whole nother elephant almost.
Coach April Ballestero:Uh, and when you're addressing an elephant, such as being a caretaker, The
Coach April Ballestero:many, uh, including myself that removing it and recognizing that it's gone and
Coach April Ballestero:Is it daily, daily hour by hour, moment by moment process to be purposeful about
Coach April Ballestero:recognizing the value, your worthiness, your opportunity to make yourself a priority.
Coach April Ballestero:Keep serving, keep using your gifting, keep loving on others with appropriate
Coach April Ballestero:with appropriate understanding of where you stand in your life and how,
Coach April Ballestero:with and how you want to be purposeful about what truly matters to you.
Coach April Ballestero:Because you're doing that out of a heart for not survival, not protection so much.
Coach April Ballestero:Not that that doesn't need to be absolutely there.
Coach April Ballestero:Yet, you also need to recognize how true what each story is and
Coach April Ballestero:And I get to help people do that every day.
Coach April Ballestero:And I surround myself with people that help me do that every day.
Coach April Ballestero:And I just want to wrap up today wanting to make this a very effective, yet efficient,
Coach April Ballestero:is to remind you just like myself, that perception is such a unique reality.
Coach April Ballestero:And not all our perceptions are accurate.
Coach April Ballestero:Not all our stories are accurate.
Coach April Ballestero:Now all our elephants are accurate.
Coach April Ballestero:Uh, even when we say, you know, okay, I'm going to take on this caretaker role.
Coach April Ballestero:It is a benefit in some ways, depending on what perception I take on to be a caretaker.
Coach April Ballestero:Uh, am I remember working for a construction company and I became the
Coach April Ballestero:And.
Coach April Ballestero:In many ways, there was some healthy parts of that.
Coach April Ballestero:I owned my role.
Coach April Ballestero:I owned my ability to serve.
Coach April Ballestero:I had a huge amount of success.
Coach April Ballestero:I built the first manual that company ever had.
Coach April Ballestero:And yet I also, um, had a moment when I recognized that even going to use the
Coach April Ballestero:restroom was a challenge because I was so relied on and I had got chained to a desk.
Coach April Ballestero:And so it was another physical.
Coach April Ballestero:Reminder of how that caretaker was holding me hostage instead of
Coach April Ballestero:So knowing when to allow the boundaries and when to remove boundaries and, or
Coach April Ballestero:So as we wrap up the, by the way, you can check out onelightahead.com.
Coach April Ballestero:On there end or our partner resources, the habit finder assessment is completely free.
Coach April Ballestero:It helps us start seeing some thought patterns.
Coach April Ballestero:And we always know they're attached to stories yet.
Coach April Ballestero:Sometimes we're not completely ready to tell the story, or we need a process
Coach April Ballestero:in which to start peeling back the layers of the ending of that story.
Coach April Ballestero:And so I get to help people discover that.
Coach April Ballestero:And I've surrounded myself with people that helped me discover that.
Coach April Ballestero:And so I would just advise you, I would encourage you.
Coach April Ballestero:I would empower you to, especially for all the caretakers listening, uh, is not an
Coach April Ballestero:choice to decide, to say enough and say, this is no longer the path I want to take.
Coach April Ballestero:Not the way I want to take it.
Coach April Ballestero:I want to continue to be the resource, the vessel, the tool that
Coach April Ballestero:And I want to do it in a way that is coming from empowerment and
Coach April Ballestero:Thank you for joining us.
Coach April Ballestero:And again, coachapril@onelightahead.com.
Coach April Ballestero:If you have any questions, any caretakers want to resonate and share, uh, or
Coach April Ballestero:it and sees it happen to somebody and doesn't know how to help them.
Coach April Ballestero:Uh, there's so many different tools and resources.
Coach April Ballestero:We have an opportunity as we start addressing even more elephants as we move
Coach April Ballestero:find the resources, the people, and one bite at a time to keep moving forward, because
Coach April Ballestero:we have a limited amount of time and we have a limited amount of resources and.
Coach April Ballestero:An opportunity to get purposeful about it.
Coach April Ballestero:So we appreciate your listening.
Coach April Ballestero:We appreciate the opportunity to serve and to be a voice as well as a vessel.
Coach April Ballestero:And thank you for allowing me personally, to share my own one of my many stories,
Coach April Ballestero:uh, to help you see why it's so important for us to share this podcast.
Coach April Ballestero:Have an amazing day, everyone.