google-site-verification=U0Q4nUf7gy008G2e6vjitL4htHLAso-Tlnzg4z6xYtI Season 3 | Episode 3 - Aging Parents Moving Out of the Family Home - Addressing the ELEPHANT in the Room® - Addressing the ELEPHANT in the Room®

Episode 4

"Aging Parents Moving Out of the Family Home" with Jamie Dorn Lane

"Aging Parents Moving Out of the Family Home" with Jamie Dorn Lane

"The elephant that I'm bringing today is when parents are ready to move on out of their child's, their kids' childhood home and the kids are not ready for that to happen."

Jamie's Contact Information:

(865) 771-8200

bluevistarealtyTN.com

Addressing the ELEPHANT in the Room® is a ONE LIGHT AHEAD production made in association with Eric Ballestero.

© Copyright ONE LIGHT AHEAD® & April Ballestero & Eric Ballestero 2021. All Rights Reserved.

Host: Coach April Ballestero

Guest: Jamie Dorn Lane

Produced by: Eric Ballestero

Transcript
Coach April Ballestero:

Welcome everyone.

Coach April Ballestero:

It's another episode of addressing the elephant in the room.

Coach April Ballestero:

And as always, we record this every week, we launch it every week.

Coach April Ballestero:

We're having all kinds of fun learning the podcast process.

Coach April Ballestero:

And yet we know how ridiculously important it is to address elephants in the room.

Coach April Ballestero:

My name is Coach April I'm the founder and strategic leadership coach of One Light Ahead.

Coach April Ballestero:

We help others own their leadership, defeat destructive mindsets, be purposeful about walking their talk so that they love what they do again.

Coach April Ballestero:

We have all kinds of resources and we purposely choose leaders in their communities that are willing to be in the hot seat.

Coach April Ballestero:

Ms.

Coach April Ballestero:

Jamie Dorn Lane is our hot seat guest today and we're excited to have her and you get to choose the elephant today.

Coach April Ballestero:

Yes.

Coach April Ballestero:

Well, April I'm definitely excited to be here.

Coach April Ballestero:

And so I am a realtor here in the Knoxville area and my elephant in the room actually came from meeting with a lot of clients.

Coach April Ballestero:

So I've been in the real estate industry for nearly two decades.

Coach April Ballestero:

Now in the past 10 years, I've been focused on the 55 and better crowd.

Coach April Ballestero:

And so the elephant that I'm bringing today is when parents are ready to move on out of their child's, their kids'

Coach April Ballestero:

That's a fun elephant and I want to first compliment, you said the 55 and better community

Jamie Dorn Lane:

that's right.

Coach April Ballestero:

Love, love, love that and it's so many listeners will so appreciate that.

Coach April Ballestero:

So Jamie, I also appreciate that you said, decades of experiences, right?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Yeah.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Yeah.

Coach April Ballestero:

You've seen a lot of different conversations in this arena and as you know, there

Coach April Ballestero:

You know, cause it, it can be a pretty diverse elephant and I'm sure you've seen and heard and experienced

Coach April Ballestero:

So help our listeners understand how this elephant shows up, how what happens how do you, you see it,

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Definitely.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So for instance when I've been working with the 55 and even getting better crowd it's something that

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And it was something where it actually kind of opened up a lot of different elephants.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

I would say.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Uh, the reason being is you'd be showing a house and someone was really excited about it.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

This is their new adventure.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And then all of a sudden it would get quiet and they would say, I'm going to have to talk to my kids about this.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

They don't even know we're down here looking at houses.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So it was something that kind of came up as a shock.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Um, and it was more frequent than I anticipated.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

It would be.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So, and it was kind of different levels.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So some kids were very supportive.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

They, some kids were not, some kids stopped for parents from doing it.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And then there were some parents that did it anyway.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So it just really kind of snowballed into different elephants I would say.

Coach April Ballestero:

You said so many things there.

Coach April Ballestero:

So first of all, when you said my kids didn't know I was down there, the audience needs to know that you also serve Florida.

Coach April Ballestero:

So when you say down and that's a down, right,

Jamie Dorn Lane:

that's a down.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Yes, you are correct.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So that was in Florida.

Coach April Ballestero:

Although, Knoxville is East Tennessee.

Coach April Ballestero:

It is still considered part of the South.

Coach April Ballestero:

Yeah, it is.

Coach April Ballestero:

And it's still considered the Bible belt community.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Right.

Coach April Ballestero:

I'm not sure how many people would call the Knoxville area South, but are down.

Coach April Ballestero:

Right, right.

Coach April Ballestero:

Smokey mountains and all that other fun stuff.

Coach April Ballestero:

So I want to make sure one day, you know, first expand your reach of all the areas you can serve.

Coach April Ballestero:

Right.

Coach April Ballestero:

Yet most importantly that elephant, this applies anywhere any 55 or better is moving and any type of reasoning that they're moving.

Coach April Ballestero:

Right.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Right.

Coach April Ballestero:

You said something that they're looking for their next adventure, and you also said that

Coach April Ballestero:

When you said that, and how challenging that must feel to an individual to feel like they're the child of

Coach April Ballestero:

Right?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Right, right.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

It's definitely a change in roles for a lot of parents that are now kind of looking for the approval of their children, as opposed to them

Coach April Ballestero:

And isn't that, you know, that's a whole nother elephant, which we won't take on.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Right.

Coach April Ballestero:

And yet that is one of the, conversation that causes the elephant of choosing

Coach April Ballestero:

Right.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Correct.

Coach April Ballestero:

As you watched that conversation come up and like you said, you've got to

Coach April Ballestero:

How did the conversation come up?

Coach April Ballestero:

How did you how, did you watch it formulate and, what would you, I mean, before we dive into how we address it what would you help people understand

Coach April Ballestero:

And then we'll go into the address side.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Definitely.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So one of the ways that it would come up is it was something where, you know, When you hit retirement age or that 55 and in better, you

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And so it's something where there's an excitement to it, but there's also a fear to it.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So wanting to have the approval of family members that yes, I'm making the right decision, but they still

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So it brings up a lot of fear and just, am I doing the right thing?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Am I ready for this next chapter?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

It's the unknown.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So just kind of like, when you think about the first time you bought a house, it was the unknown.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

It was the scary, it was still exciting, but it was scary.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And it's just as.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Having a parent that's in the same age range that lived in one of these retirement communities.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

I got to see it firsthand as well.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And just, you know, am I ready for 55 and better community?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Am I ready for that next chapter?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Does that mean I'm old?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So it just really brings up a lot of fear and, you know, unsure and, am I ready for that next step.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And then when you have the second part of that being your family members may be not supportive or they have their own fear.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Does that mean now they're too old?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Does that mean, you know, I don't have a place to come home to anymore my comfort area.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So it really does snowball into a whole lot of elephants just on this one topic.

Coach April Ballestero:

Oh, my goodness.

Coach April Ballestero:

And you, mentioned the fear, you mentioned the, conversation of, who's really being served by the decision and how that conversation gets

Coach April Ballestero:

What does it mean to me?

Coach April Ballestero:

You know, you choose to.

Coach April Ballestero:

Promote yourself as a lifestyle locator.

Coach April Ballestero:

I love that terminology that you use because that is each person and any 55 or better, or anyone for that

Coach April Ballestero:

So when they're ready to take on adventure, they get to decide.

Coach April Ballestero:

What does that look like?

Coach April Ballestero:

Where are they headed?

Coach April Ballestero:

What, destination, why did they want that destination, et cetera?

Coach April Ballestero:

And those are all conversations they get to have with themselves.

Coach April Ballestero:

Nevermind anyone else.

Coach April Ballestero:

Right.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Right.

Coach April Ballestero:

So then you add in the domino of a adult child, or a child, or however you want to say it, wanting to take

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Right.

Coach April Ballestero:

And that's one of the pieces of that elephant, right.

Coach April Ballestero:

Is the technical reality of who's decision is it to make.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Exactly.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And why, the child or the adult child things that they have the right to make that decision for their parent.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And usually that fear is coming from something else on their end, where they're giving up something

Jamie Dorn Lane:

It's the parent's choice.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And the parents usually has thought about this.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

It's not just all of a sudden they thought about it and said, okay, I'm moving, I'm selling your childhood home and it's not out of, you know,

Jamie Dorn Lane:

It's just, they're ready for that next stage.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Just like their child is now, you know, become the adult child.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So it's, just different stages.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And it's pretty interesting to see that I've worked with first-time buyers.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

I've worked with move up buyers and then now with 50 and better or 55 and better, it's a whole new chapter that you're seeing.

Coach April Ballestero:

And this is going to sound strange, but this is what's coming up for me to say, and then I

Coach April Ballestero:

It's the end of life discussion all the way back to the day to day discussion.

Coach April Ballestero:

I think some of what comes up is the conversation about, okay, is this a, you know, what is my responsibility as from the adult child conversation

Coach April Ballestero:

I mean, you've got a bandwidth of time.

Coach April Ballestero:

That's impacting all those conversations.

Coach April Ballestero:

So how do you address it?

Coach April Ballestero:

How as you've seen over the years over the conversations, what have you seen the best way to just take a tiny bite out of the Sullivan?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So the best way I've seen is to really be open and really talk with your adult children.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

You know, you, haven't made this decision lightly.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

You are yourself fearful of this.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

You may be excited, but this is also a change for you.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So I really.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Say you got to have that open communication.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And also remember that it's your decision.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

You don't need the approval, but you do need the support.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And so it's something really important to kind of focus on that.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Because ultimately it is the adult's decision and for what's best for them.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

You know, I always say too, the reason we also use lifestyle locator is we could be looking for a home for right now.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

What fits your lifestyle right now?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

This isn't a, you have to be here the rest of your life.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

This isn't something where if it doesn't work out, you can't make a change.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So kind of taking some of that fear away from it and really just saying what's right for me right now.

Coach April Ballestero:

You, brought up so many different conversations there between the communication.

Coach April Ballestero:

Between the type of investment, what is the Domino's of that investment?

Coach April Ballestero:

What does that mean down the road?

Coach April Ballestero:

You know, some people are greatest strategies for the next two years with the next, you know, sometimes

Coach April Ballestero:

So, and I'm sure you've got audiences in all aspects, right?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

We do have audiences and it's important for us to ask those questions too, because what is their end result that they want?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Do they see themselves living here?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Do they see, you know, Is there something where they want to move out of state?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Is it something they want to move in state?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Do they want to move closer to family?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So it's really an exploration of finding out what that lifestyle is too, and then working with it.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

But I really always say communication, not only between us as their realtor, but with their family members and themselves is

Coach April Ballestero:

And, and, another piece that I want to really comment on your open communication

Coach April Ballestero:

The, one choosing the adventure, not from any other party.

Coach April Ballestero:

So it's the communication that they want to have yet.

Coach April Ballestero:

The coach in me can't help, but say, you know, there's so many perceptions that are going on here and being able to see a whole perspective and being

Coach April Ballestero:

I know you may be scared.

Coach April Ballestero:

I'm scared too, or.

Coach April Ballestero:

You know, and having these conversations where, you know, let me step into your world as the, you know, one getting ready to make the decision

Coach April Ballestero:

Because as , you shared, some have made the decision and don't worry about what anyone says, right?

Coach April Ballestero:

And in all reality, they have that opportunity and gift to choose.

Coach April Ballestero:

Now how a Domino's is their choice.

Coach April Ballestero:

Right?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Yeah yeah.

Coach April Ballestero:

What I'm hearing you say is that.

Coach April Ballestero:

More often than not opening the communication lines for a multitude of reasons.

Coach April Ballestero:

Not only to step into another person's world that they care about because they obviously wouldn't be communicated about them.

Coach April Ballestero:

If they didn't care, they didn't want the support and encouragement that you mentioned, but then they also have

Coach April Ballestero:

The lifestyle choice, what the adventure means.

Coach April Ballestero:

What's the long-term results of this, you know, is this a, just an investment property for a season and you know, what are these?

Coach April Ballestero:

There are so many different conversations you could have.

Coach April Ballestero:

Right?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Right.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Definitely and they, like you said, the Domino's can go any direction.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So it's just something where it's a starting point and you just, you go with it.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So you just keep going, knocking down those dominoes and and make the decision.

Coach April Ballestero:

Love the way.

Coach April Ballestero:

So to wrap up before I asked you for all your good information, how people get ahold of you and all that stuff, I really want

Coach April Ballestero:

This is something that really causes some, roadblocks for people, right?

Coach April Ballestero:

I mean, like you said, and I especially felt for the ones that didn't make the decision and was that a healthy decision for them?

Coach April Ballestero:

Or was that a people pleasing decision and you know, that's a whole nother elephant, but anyways, so we're going to stay on our elephant today.

Coach April Ballestero:

As you see that.

Coach April Ballestero:

How do you really help in a, take a, bite in that perspective of people that are afraid to make that

Coach April Ballestero:

Is there anything you would say to that?

Coach April Ballestero:

Any other, you know, how you can open up that conversation?

Coach April Ballestero:

What have you seen.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

What I've seen that works actually the best for people is really when they take that action of I'm not looking for

Jamie Dorn Lane:

And that seems to be the most successful way to kind of clear that elephant, because it's one of those things where, you know, the person that

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Is that really the right move for that parent?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Probably not, you know, versus someone where they did it, what was best for them?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

What was their choice and their decision.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

It's easier to live with your own decision as opposed to somebody else deciding for you.

Coach April Ballestero:

Giving somebody permission to make that kind of decision is a whole nother conversation,

Jamie Dorn Lane:

that's right.

Jamie Dorn Lane:

A whole other elephant.

Coach April Ballestero:

It makes me also realize that, you know, we hope that anyone listening that has a parent, that's getting ready to make

Coach April Ballestero:

What's important to you and how do I support you with that?

Coach April Ballestero:

You know, if it's realistic for my decisions, because I also need to make sure I'm making decisions.

Coach April Ballestero:

If I'm the child that are accurate was why longterm plans as well.

Coach April Ballestero:

Uh, there's so many pieces of this conversation of the elephant to be able and I love the way you're really wanting to wrap it up is

Coach April Ballestero:

But most importantly, to this particular elephant, how do we support the one that's ready for another adventure?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

Right.

Coach April Ballestero:

Jamie amazing conversation and really valuable seeds to plant, because this is a real, there's a lot of

Coach April Ballestero:

No matter what age.

Coach April Ballestero:

So this is valuable conversation.

Coach April Ballestero:

Jamie, how do people get ahold of you and reach out to you to be their lifestyle locator?

Jamie Dorn Lane:

So the best way to reach me is definitely by phone call and that's (865) 771-8200, but you can also

Jamie Dorn Lane:

.com.

Coach April Ballestero:

So appreciate you being with us again, onelightahead.com and or Addressing the

Coach April Ballestero:

We love that you subscribe.

Coach April Ballestero:

We love your reviews and we are always thankful to be biting a little elephant at a time, have a wonderful day, everyone.

About the Podcast

Show artwork for Addressing the ELEPHANT in the Room®
Addressing the ELEPHANT in the Room®
We discuss hard things to talk about and shed light on difficult subjects.

About your hosts

Profile picture for April Ballestero

April Ballestero

Author, Facilitator, Founder, Consultant, Speaker, and Strategic Leadership Coach guiding light bulb moments. Thankful to be celebrating 10 years of guiding, coaching, and leading industry leaders such as attorneys, coaches, chiropractors, financial planners, the real estate industry, and many other sales and business professionals across the nation. The celebration goes on to include over 20 years of business, professional and personal development which I am so honored to share as a vessel to our clients, coaches, and community.
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Eric Ballestero

Eric Ballestero has worked with Coach April Ballestero since before ONE LIGHT AHEAD®'s inception in 2011 while he was still in school and has continually brought new ideas and a lot of technical help to the team. He produced the first three seasons of Addressing the ELEPHANT in the Room® podcast in addition to being a continual partner of ONE LIGHT AHEAD®.